Opening Gates

I’ve lived a life of thousands of stories that aren’t mine. They were stories told to me about who I am, my gender, my affilation and attraction to other people, of what I believe and don’t believe, of my connection to spirit and God. I’ve been told thousands of made-up stories of what the United States is, and isn’t. I’ve been told lies of where there has been healing and repair, when there hasn’t been. I’ve been told stories of who God is, what Spirit is, and stories of what is instead is superstition or to be discounted and sneered at. I've had removal of my real connections to my ancestors, removal of my connections to traditions from my ancestors from hundreds to thousands of years ago. I have been a part of the creation of “Whiteness” through those stories, with stories told to me immediately upon entry into this life. As though “White” is an ancestry. As though “White” is actually a thing. Colonialism and White Supremacy are very very real, but the construction of Whiteness to keep me broken from all kinds of truths and histories, both harmful and good, and to keep me a willing part of systems of harm, is bewildering and toxic. I’m shedding those stories.

I’ve been on a journey to connect to ancestors, of blood and bone and to other kinds of relatives/family, Earth, and spiritual energy. This is a part of my connecting to deeper knowing, my own deep narrative. There is no vacuum when I shed the stories that aren’t true, it’s clearing the space for what is, and moving into a space wider, richer, and more connected. Systems of power and domination have benefited by breaking my senses and connections to much deeper resources of energy and power. Rebuilding these connections through repair, has included connecting to my spiritual guides that still exist, and that are ancient (like from at least 1,000 years ago). They are powerful and have a deep Earth connection.

Making these connections to deeper resources and healing has been necessary I look across the harm of the last 300 years and more, with my ancestors that went through significant trauma and also inflicted harm on the Earth and other people. I’ve been making these connections through reconnecting with the various spirits of the land, and other energies. It is moving from a confined space that requires constant stress and strain to make the made-up stories fit - including the harmful actions necessary to keep capitalism and other structures of domination in place - and shifting to expansion and possibility. This includes disentangling from the powerful way that shame has been used.

I’m on a journey of reclamation of my own true stories. I’m on a journey of connecting with Earth based traditions from my ancestors. And I’m on a journey of knowing that those connections tie deeply in with all of my human family. That these traditions link back to the Earth, and link back to the source of all of us and all that is. I’m on a journey of connecting to my God, in all the ways God exists. Not God the stranger, an old White man painted on a ceiling, that kind of makes me think of Santa (Santa - another twist on Earth based traditions turned into something like a strange photocopy of a photocopy so distorted it’s hard to understand where things began). No, connecting to the many manifestations of God in human and non-human forms, of all gender possibilities. The connection to the spirits of the land and water. The awareness of healed and broken, supportive and challenging, spiritual forces that exist. The awareness of depth beyond this particular plane of reference as a human at this time and place.